


Dear Future Anders

by pikestaff



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Diary/Journal, Explicit Language, F/M, Kind of a retelling of the DA2 story, Minor Ableist Language, Most of the characters are there but no one really has a speaking role, POV First Person, f!hawke because why not, there are a lot of chapters but they're really short i promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-08
Updated: 2017-01-08
Packaged: 2018-09-15 21:07:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 36
Words: 7,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9257273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pikestaff/pseuds/pikestaff
Summary: Anders kept a journal during his time spent in Kirkwall.  This is that journal.  (Note that as this is written from Anders' point of view, there is some minor character negativity all around.  Including in how he talks about himself.)





	1. Chapter 1

I knew some bastard at the Circle who would write in a journal every day. And I’d laugh at him. He’d ask me if I was interested in ever keeping a journal, and I told him oh sure! I’ll start writing a journal! When the highlight of my day stops being keeping score of how many times a templar kicked me in the head to wake me up that morning. (Or how many days they’re going to keep me locked up in the dungeon for  this time!)

Well. Let it be known that Anders is a man who keeps his promises. Now that my life is actually interesting I’m going to attempt to chronicle it. Probably not every day, though. Just, I don’t know. When I’m bored, I guess, or when something exciting happens.

By way of introduction to Future Anders or whoever else reads this eventually, I am currently in Kirkwall, in the Free Marches. And no, this wasn’t my first choice on a vacation spot. I am here for personal reasons.

…you know. I don’t know why I’m holding back and being vague when no one is ever going to read this except Future Anders. In fact, I don’t know why I’m giving any sort of background if Future Anders is going to know it all already. Maybe Future Anders will forget? Hmm.

Alright. I’m here for Karl. Light of my life. The one thing that made the Circle bearable. Because the templars are bastards, they took him from me, and I intend to get him back. Easier said than done, yes, but anyone who thinks I’m just going to let them get away with this doesn’t know me very well.

I also run a free clinic for refugees. So many of the poor sods thanks to the Blight. Someone’s got to look after them. It might as well be me. I am a healer, after all.

Anyhow. Is that alright for an introduction to this journal? What does one do with a journal anyway? I didn’t do anything exciting today. I took a monster shit, I guess. It was pretty impressive.

Until next time.

 

Oh P.S. I have a spirit living in my head.


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Future Anders,

Nothing has changed much on the Karl front. We’ve been exchanging letters, when we can. I guess Kirkwall’s Circle is a real mess. Worse than Ferelden’s, if you can believe it. I intend on staying in hiding for as long as possible. One good thing about healing the sick and injured is that I have gained myself a lot of friends in low places.

I do have an idea when it comes to springing Karl, but I don’t know if I want to try doing it alone. I might only get one shot, so I want to do it properly. Should something go wrong— should we have to fight templars— I don’t want it to be Karl and I alone. But how can I get people to help me? I can’t hire anyone because I have no money. I have a few friends, but they aren’t fighters. Nor is this their fight.

Well, I’ll keep waiting. Sooner or later I’ll figure something out.

The spirit in my head is named Justice. He was a friend in Amaranthine. He tells me we should consider writing a manifesto for mage rights. I’ll think about it.

I don’t know what else I should write here. What do you want to see, Future Anders? I should ask you how you are doing, Future Anders! Do you have a harem and a banquet yet? Are you raining fireballs upon every templar in creation yet? I sure hope so. You know, a reverse diary where you got updates from your future self would be much more interesting. Don’t you think?

Until next time.


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Future Anders,

I believe my fortunes may have changed! Specifically, I met some people who I think can help with the Karl situation. They’re led by one woman named Hawke, who looks like she can kick my ass, and frankly I’d probably enjoy it if she did that, if you know what you mean. She has this whole gang following her around, which doesn’t remotely surprise me, because frankly she has that kind of vibe. The Warden-Commander had something similar.

Anyways, she wanted Warden maps into the Deep Roads. I have no idea why. Not my problem. The important bit, you see, is that we arranged a trade. Hawke and company get the Warden maps if they help me spring Karl.

And now, here’s the real kicker. Okay, actually there are three kickers. The first kicker is that Hawke is also an apostate mage. The second kicker is that Hawke doesn’t mind that I’m an apostate who is trying to liberate a mage from the Circle’s chokehold. (Possibly the first and second kickers are related.) The third kicker is… no, wait, the second kicker was actually two kickers. So that was all three.

Well, the important part is that this is all happening tonight. I’m nervous. How is it going to go? Is it going to work? Future Anders, you know how it’s all going to going to play out. You tell me how it’s all going to work. Am I going to run in and rescue Karl and then the two of us will dash off and live out the rest of our lives hurling lightning at templars and petting cats and making kinky love to each other?

I’m going to go with that.

Until next time.


	4. Chapter 4

He’s dead.

Karl’s dead and I killed him.

He was Tranquil. The Chantry fucking… fucking made a Harrowed mage Tranquil. Because they can do that now, apparently! Of course they can! Of course they fucking decided they fucking can. Because mages aren’t people, remember? Magic exists to serve man and never to rule over him and fucking fuck.

So Karl’s dead and they don’t care. They don’t care who he was. That he was someone’s friend, someone’s lover. All they care about is that he is a mage. Was a mage. Was.

Does the pain still haunt you, Future Anders? Does it ever get better? Or does it eat away at you, continually? How do you live with this?

Justice was right. When we first arrived at Kirkwall I told him we would take it slowly, see how things went. Justice warned me it probably wouldn’t work like that. He was right. If we’re going to act, we’re going to have to act soon. Before the Chantry takes any more innocent lives.

Hawke… Hawke comforted me. She barely knows me and she wanted to know if I was okay. Listened when I told her about Justice. I can see now why she has a loyal following. I told her to find me if she ever needs my help. It’s the least I can do to repay her.

I’m going to try to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

Hello Diary,

It’s been a long time. You know, I wasn’t sure if I was going to write in here anymore. But something of vital importance happened today and it needs to be chronicled for posterity.

There was a cat. Right outside my clinic. A young one, not more than a year old, I think. It was grey with stripes and I reached down to pet it but it ran away. Do you think that if I leave out milk, it might come back? Do you have a cat, Future Anders? Please tell me you have a cat. Wait, no. Tell me you have more than one cat. And also tell me you have Ser Pounce-a-Lot back. I mean, that bit is a given at least, right?

Not much else is going on. I’ve helped Hawke with a few odd jobs here and there. She has this absolutely ridiculous plan to venture into the Deep Roads in search of treasure. I’ve been dropping hints that she should conveniently leave me behind when this occurs but somehow I have a bad feeling she’s going to drag me in anyway.

I hate the Deep Roads.

Which I’m sure you already know, Future Anders.

Until next time.

 


	6. Chapter 6

Hullo Diary,

So… remember last time? That bit where I was trying to dodge the Deep Roads?

Yeah. That didn’t happen. I ended up tagging along because Hawke asked and of course I said yes like a ninny, and of course it ended poorly. Hawke’s brother, Carver, contracted the Blight. I was able to get him in with the Wardens, but… it all brought back too many memories. Bad ones, I might add.

But there was treasure at the end, enough to set Hawke up for life. She deserves it. She… oh, Maker help me. She will make someone very, very happy someday. Someone who is not me. Someone who is definitely not me. It’s just that… do you know, I think she might actually believe in our cause as much as Justice and I do. And you know, she knew I wasn’t doing my best in the darker bits of the Deep Roads, and she reached out, and… and I don’t know where I’m going with this sentence. I don’t even know why I’m writing this. You know what, I’m going to bed. I am sure that you, Future Anders, are living the bachelor life quite wonderfully.

Until next time.


	7. Chapter 7

Alright Diary. I have a confession.

Hawke is… oh Maker.

She’s cute, okay? And she’s clever. And she’s funny. And she cares.

And who am I kidding, she’s been on my mind for months now. Years, maybe. I don’t know. She’s haunting my dreams.

But that’s all this is. A dream. Because she deserves better than some filthy, on-the-run apostate living in a flea-infested closet in a sewer. And that’s just as well, because I’ve got far, far too much to do and I can’t afford to get involved with anyone. Justice agrees. Thank the Maker for Justice agreeing and keeping me from getting too distracted.

She flirts with me though. I can’t tell if she’s serious or not. I can never tell with her. She flirts with me and then she looks at me and that look. I could take that look and wrap it around my soul like a warm blanket and I would never be sad again.

Am I too far gone? I had better not be too far gone. No, I’m not going to let it happen. Justice and I are writing a manifesto for mage rights. We’re going to convince the whole world of what it should have been convinced up ages ago. And that is what I’m going to go work on now. Yes, I’m going to write, and I am most certainly not going to think of Hawke whilst performing a terribly unholy act in the eyes of the Maker and Andraste.

So yes. I’m going to go do that now.

Until next time.


	8. Chapter 8

Dear Future Anders Or Whomever Will Find This,

I’ve been spending a lot of time with Hawke and her odd menagerie of friends and I felt like I should probably introduce them so you have a better idea of what I have to deal with on a near daily basis.

We’ll start with the dwarf, Varric. He’s a decent enough fellow. Talks a lot. Jokes a lot. He has a couple of good templar jokes, actually. I… get the impression that the reason the templars and other undesirables have stayed away from my clinic for so long has to do with him. And I’m very grateful for it.

Merrill. She’s an elf mage who for some reason shies away from becoming involved with things that should concern her. The templars go after the Dalish too, when they can. You’d think she would care more about our plight. Oh, but then there’s the whole blood mage thing, I suppose. Maker’s fried shit on toast. I’m not going to get started on the blood mage thing.

Fenris. Another elf. He says he hates all mages and as such hates me. But he doesn’t hate Hawke, apparently? Bloody hypocritical if you ask me. Someone is cute and suddenly everything is forgiven. (I should note, here, that I am not jealous about this at all.) (And if you believe that then I’ve got a bridge in Nevarra to sell you.)

Isabela! Ahh, Isabela. We may or may not have consorted in the past. A fact that she likes to bring up at every inopportune moment. You can stop now, Isabela. Any time now. I mean, at least she doesn’t hate me.

Aveline is the captain of the city guard and I have a feeling she’s looking for any excuse to turn me in. She takes great pleasure in giving me the evil eye. Although now that I think about it, she takes great pleasure in giving everyone the evil eye.

Sebastian just started hanging out with us recently. He’s a self-righteous arse. That about covers him.

Well, that takes care of everyone. I must confess, despite all of our differences, Hawke is very talented at bringing us together when it counts. I can guarantee none of us would be hanging out together if it weren’t for her.

What’s that? Me, talking about Hawke again? Well, I never.

Don’t worry, my next entry will most certainly not be about Hawke, and will instead consist of me ranting and raving about mage rights, because I’m good at doing that.

Until next time!


	9. Chapter 9

Dear Future Anders how do you stand it. How do you live knowing that Hawke was right there and you didn’t ever tell her how you felt.

Maker, she is a gift. We were hunting mercenaries on the Wounded Coast and I kept looking at her and Andraste help me I think she noticed. I think she winked at me. Winked!

I… I have been thinking. Karl would have wanted me to be happy, right? Had the situation been reversed I would have wanted him to be happy. Do you think I can allow myself this, this happiness? I ache for a partner, for someone beside me. Someone to cling to when the nights are cold and long. Someone to support my work. Someone to… someone to eat bloody breakfast with.

With Justice, I thought I would never be alone again. The templars had me in solitary confinement for a year. If that ever happens again, at least I won’t be alone this time. But as much as I value our friendship, it’s different with a spirit. How I miss having a solid body beside me.

I can’t, though. Can I? No. No, the more I think about it, the more I know it wouldn’t work. It would end badly for everyone involved. For me, for Justice, for Hawke. I can’t bear the thought of ever hurting her. I can’t bear the thought of losing her like I lost Karl. No, it’s better for everyone this way.

And here I am pining for Hawke in my journal again. Hmm.

Tell me you’ve found fulfillment, Future Anders.

Until next time. (When I will actually talk about something other than Hawke, I promise.)


	10. Chapter 10

It sickens me to see how mages continue to be treated in Kirkwall and throughout Thedas. I hate going to the Gallows. The Chantry shows off their pet Tranquil and the Templars look at me funny. I think they know what I am, but they aren’t going to move against Hawke. Not when she’s rich, now. I hate going but Hawke asked and I would do anything for her. I’d bring down the whole world if she asked.

Wait, no. I told myself I wasn’t going to talk about Hawke this time. Justice and I are still working on that manifesto. It’s slow going but it’s going to be perfect by the time it’s done. Thedas is going to know of these injustices. Magic is a gift from the Maker. Why would he give it to us if he wanted it to be locked away? That thought in particular has been on my mind a lot recently. The Chantry is terrified by Tevinter and its magisters but when was the last time Tevinter was even relevant?

I’m going to show them. The world will see.

 


	11. Chapter 11

Dear Future Anders please tell me it gets better please tell me you’re no longer pining for her.

Every time I see her. Every time, Andraste’s pet knickerweasels in a sandwich, and every day it gets harder and harder… oh. Oh that came out naughty. But I’m keeping it because I’m a juvenile and I think Future Anders will appreciate it.

Does she know how desperately I long for her? Just when I start to think she must, I doubt myself. Does she feel the same way? Oh, Maker, if she does, then I’m dreadfully sorry for inflicting this on her because this is awful.

Oh Hawke… Hawke, I don’t even know your first name Hawke, and I ache for you and my insides twist when I see you. I think of you and I feel at ease. All of my problems melt away. Or, they would, if you weren’t my problem. Ironic, that.

Justice has been telling me not to lose focus. That Hawke is a distraction. And you know, he’s probably right. I’m not going to let anything take me away from my mission. But, you know, Hawke believes in the mission like I do. Can she really be a distraction if she’s going to help?

No… I don’t know. This is a mess. Why does it all have to be such a mess? I suppose the best I can do is support her from afar, and be a friend when I can.

Until next time.


	12. Chapter 12

Dear Future Anders,

Do you know who I hate?

That Cullen guy. Hawke has been simultaneously befriending him and also teasing him, and I think she should probably do more of the teasing. He sits around and tells us to our faces that mages aren’t people, knowing full well that Hawke and I are mages. You know, maybe he’s not malicious. Maybe he’s just stupid. Either way, he has the type of face that I want to punch. Or fling a fireball at. One or the other. I’m not picky.

It’s just so frustrating that people like him are allowed to have a free life, to love whom they will and determine their own destiny, whilst so many innocent people are locked up just for being born with a talent bestowed by the Maker. Is this fight even something that we have a chance at winning? You tell me, Future Anders. Have things improved at all?

In the meantime, I’ll keep writing.

Until next time.


	13. Chapter 13

So I was just thinking about Hawke today and the lines of her face and the curve of her jaw and how her hand brushed against mine for about two seconds. I swear she smiled at me again and Andraste’s holy earwax I think maybe she likes me. Or maybe not. I’m not sure, actually. But that smile, I just… I don’t know how she thinks I’m supposed to resist. She knows exactly what she’s doing. She has to. She’s too clever not to. But… she couldn’t possibly want me, could she? I’m a wanted apostate, and I mean, technically so is she, but she’s never been in a Circle. She’s not on the run. She doesn’t have the threat of a phylactery hanging over head.

I am a disaster waiting to happen. The templars could decide to start tracking me down again at any moment. My involvement with the mage underground could come to light. I’m all but an abomination, for Andraste’s sake. Oh, and none of this even begins to get into all my delightful personality flaws. Someone like her, she can’t possibly… she can’t possibly want this.

I’m getting to the end of my rope. I’m trying so hard to resist but if she keeps up, I’m… well, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m going to break, though. I think I’m going to break. I’m going to break and all of my insides are going to come spilling out, ugliness and all, and Hawke’s going to have to be the one to put me back together again and I don’t know whether that terrifies me or thrills me. Or perhaps a bit of both.

Anyways. Until next time.

 


	14. Chapter 14

Magic is [ink blot]

Magic is a gift from the Maker, he gifted it to us so we could use it to help others, to serve others, magic is meant to serve man and that’s what he meant, and I know they tell us all the time that Tevinter said that and look what happened in Tevinter but does that give the Chantry the right to enslave and abuse people for the rest of all time?

The abuses done by the Chantry and the Templars cannot be justified. There is no justification for this. For any of this. I cannot think of a single argument in favor of the Circle that I cannot refute. There must be a revolution. There will be a revolution. The Circle needs to end. But the Chantry— I don’t know if things can change unless the Chantry reforms. The entire system is corrupt. It’s not just mages who are taken away as youth, templars are as well, and fed lyrium until their minds are addled.

I was an Andrastrian, once. Am I still? I don’t know. I don’t know if I can be. This isn’t what Andraste would want. She fought for freedom. As do I.


	15. Chapter 15

Things might be getting bad.

I’ve heard rumors that Knight-Commander Meredith is interested in employing something called the Tranquil Solution. It would involve every mage in Kirkwall, Harrowed or not, being made Tranquil. Because we aren’t people, remember? We’re a nuisance that needs to be culled. One templar in particular, Ser Alrik, has been misuing the Rite. As if there was any proper use of the rite to begin with.

Unfortunately I don’t have any hard evidence, just what I’ve heard from friends in the Mage Underground. I trust them fully, but I’m going to confront the templars about this, I’m going to need some sort of proof. I think I know how to get it, but I can’t get it alone.

Fortunately, I have Hawke.

I asked her to help and she agreed immediately. How does she even exist? How can she shine so brightly in this ugly city? I can’t fathom it.

Anyways, that’s going to happen later today. Once I have proof— real, physical proof— then perhaps the world will finally see the injustices the Chantry is bringing on my people.


	16. Chapter 16

[the following passage is ink blotted and tear stained and difficult to read]

I lost control. Justice took over and I

I’m leaving Kirkwall. Immediately. I almost killed an innocent girl. If Hawke hadn’t been there

I can’t control it, Justice— this was a bad idea. It was all a bad idea. We never should have [illegible] to begin with. I thought that maybe well it was a bad idea. I’m leaving, this was all wrong.

—

Hawke came by, just now. She convinced me to stay. For now, anyway. I don’t know how this remotely is a good idea, but somehow, I trust her. I don’t know if I’d trust anyone else but I trust her.

I don’t know how to move forward from this point. I’m going to sleep.


	17. Chapter 17

Dear Future Anders OH MAKER. Oh sweet Andraste. Oh Maker’s holy golden kneecaps. Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you figure out a magical way to go back in time and tell me that it would be this wonderful, this worth it?

She was teasing me and I asked her to stop and she said she wasn’t teasing and I… well, I thought just hearing that bit would be the death of me but then. Oh Maker. She is perfect and she is persistent and I don’t deserve her. I gave her… one final warning. I told her I would go to her place tonight but if she changed her mind by then, that would be alright.

But she won’t actually do that, will she? Oh, I actually want this. I thought I didn’t but I do. Maker. I can’t live with her but I can’t live without her.

She does realize what I am, yes? A homeless apostate. Wanted by the Circle and the Wardens both. Oh, and who is also possessed by a spirit of Justice— a spirit of Justice who hasn’t stopped complaining about this particular situation, no less.

She does know this. She has to know this. She has to know this and accept it. This isn’t the type of thing one can ignore.

And yet she sees something in me anyway. I don’t know what. Maker, I even don’t care what. That she sees anything at all is everything I need to be happy.

I think I might love her.

Maker help me.


	18. Chapter 18

Well now, Future Anders! Keeping things on the down low, are we? Conveniently not telling me about the best sex of my life. I’m on to you.

Her name is Marian. I could sing it from the rooftops.

I love her, and I told her so. That might have been a moment of weakness, but frankly I no longer care. You know, we weren’t allowed to love in the Circle. With Karl, it was— well, it was love, now that I think back on it, but I never admitted that to myself. Or to him. I was too terrified.

Marian makes me feel more sure of myself. Like this whole time I’ve been sinking and now she’s here and she’s dragging me to shore with that mischievous smile of hers. Everything I merely thought I could do before, I know I can do now.

She told me she loves me. There’s an insidious part of me telling me that can’t be true, no one would love the annoying apostate in the sewer, but I think I believe her, and I’m not sure if that says more about her or me. I think it might say that she has very bad taste. I’m not complaining.

She asked me to move in with her later, when the time is right. If you think I spent more than about two seconds contemplating this course of action, then you don’t know me very well, gentle reader. The templars have been sniffing around here again anyway, so by accepting her offer I was really killing two birds with one stone.

She loves me.

I just like writing that, you know?


	19. Chapter 19

Dear Future Anders,

You know, I could swear that I didn’t used to be this bad at cards.

I got together with Varric and some of the others— Fenris, Donnic— and we played Wicked Grace and Diamondback, and I think they all must have been conspiring against me because I refuse to believe that I was ever this bad at either of those games.

I wanted to cheat. I used to be able to cheat at Wicked Grace. But Justice wouldn’t have let me hear the end of it. I think I might teach him to play later, though. Then we won’t have to cheat. Two minds are better than one.

…Justice informs me that this would still count as cheating. I’m going to have a talk with him about this later.


	20. Chapter 20

[the following segment of this entry is written in very large letters]

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN,

I LOVE ONE MARIAN HAWKE, SHE IS THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE AND THE AIR IN MY LUNGS, AND I WOULD DO ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING FOR HER AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT IS ON MY MIND LATELY? ANDERS HAWKE. I DON’T CARE IF THAT ISN’T HOW IT’S NORMALLY DONE. ANYONE WHO HAS A PROBLEM WITH THIS CAN TAKE IT UP WITH ONE MESSERE HAWKE AND HER PET APOSTATE.

[the rest of the entry is written normally]

I wish I could give her a better life. Maker knows she deserves it. She deserves so, so much better than the little I have to offer. But every night I go to her estate and every night we forget the world for a few hours and I am genuinely happy and she seems genuinely happy and— and I don’t know why I make her happy but I will take it. If this is the Maker’s way of apologizing for everything bad that has happened to me up until this point, then apology fucking accepted.

…that doesn’t change my quest, of course. There was a time that it might have. There was a time when this would have been all I needed. But things have changed. I’ve changed irrevocably and there are things that must be done.

I hope Marian understands.

 


	21. Chapter 21

Dear Future Anders Or Whoever The Fuck Else Is Reading This,

For a while, I wasn’t sure if I should continue with my mission. After what I almost did to that girl, I… well, to say I had doubts about the whole situation would be an understatement.

I thought that maybe if I buried myself in my work at the clinic, if I buried myself in Marian’s embrace, that maybe everything else would melt away and I wouldn’t have to face reality.

Ha! That’s quite a laugh, Anders. You always were the jokester, weren’t you?

No, the truth is that I can’t hide anymore. Things are heating up. Justice is impatient and he has good reason to be. Every day there are more and more Tranquil in the Gallows. Every day the things I hear along the Mage Underground are more horrifying. The Knight-Commander thinks every last one of us is a blood mage.

Can I even make them see reason anymore? Is that even possible? I don’t know. I’ve tried every day for years and still they won’t listen. I think we may be reaching a breaking point.

And that terrifies me.


	22. Chapter 22

Dear Future Anders,

Well, things have been busy around here! Marian defeated the Qunari Arishok in one on one combat, an event which nearly gave me a hernia, but the result is that she was declared Champion of Kirkwall and she earned unofficial sanction from the Knight-Commander. An apostate, untouchable by the templars! That’s an idea that makes me giddy.

Because of all of this I was able to move in with her. The templars know about it and they’re seething that they can’t get to me without getting through the Champion first. The thought of their frustration brings me great amounts of satisfaction, and frankly, these days I’ll take all the satisfaction I can get.

Unfortunately I know I can’t have a normal life, and nor can I give one to Marian. I almost feel as though I’m just playacting, like this is all just pretend. I don’t want to say anything about it, but I’m sure Marian knows. I’m sure she’s not saying anything to make me feel better. Maker, she’s too good for this world.

I wish I could give her the life she deserves. Perhaps falling for her was a bad idea in the first place. Perhaps Justice was right. He usually is. But damn, I am a selfish bastard, and so here I am.

Until next time.


	23. Chapter 23

When Justice first proposed that we join forces— literally— well, I certainly didn’t take him seriously. It was a ridiculous idea. Who would even think of doing such a thing?

But the more we talked the more it made sense. We would be helping each other. Together, we’d free the mages. And together, I wouldn’t be alone anymore. Andraste’s ass, I hate the thought of being alone.

And beyond all that, he was a friend. A friend who needed help.

He is still a friend. I worry, sometimes, that I’ve warped him into something he’s not. But other times it’s calm and quiet and he’s the same spirit I knew back in Amaranthine. Together, we are stronger than what we were apart.

I’ve been thinking a lot about him lately. I worry about what will happen to him if something happens to me. I assume he’d be free to go back to the Fade. I hope so, anyway.

Things are coming to a head. Nothing is going to happen unless we make it happen. Meredith has to die. There is no way around it. And I’m… starting to think that I have to aim even higher still. Maker… if there is a Maker, forgive me.


	24. Chapter 24

Dear Future Anders… I know what Justice and I have to do. And if there was ever a time for you to suddenly appear in a puff of magic, Future Anders, now is a good time. Tell me this is all crazy. Tell me I’m crazy. Tell me not to do it. Please tell me not to do it. Tell me there’s another way, a better way.

I have but one role in this life. The mages will be free. There will be a revolution. If people have to die for this to come to pass, if I have to die, then…

That’s it, then, isn’t it? People will die, either way. But I can choose who will die. I can minimize the damage to innocent lives, as best as I can. Lives will be lost no matter what. Very likely at my hand. But then, at least I can pay for their blood with my life. Which I suppose will have to do.

Is that what this has come to? Is that what I have to do?

Maker… someone… anyone… tell me I don’t have to do this.


	25. Chapter 25

I was working on my manifesto but then I kept getting distracted by how terribly in love with Marian Hawke I am so here I am, writing in my journal instead and Justice is going to have to deal with it for the time being. Marian is astoundingly good to me and I don’t deserve her and if there’s any upside to this whole mess I’ve dragged myself into it’s that soon she will find out that tying herself to me is a bad idea and she’ll actually find herself someone worthy of her.

Oh, am I dragging the mood down? I apologize. I just want it said, for posterity, that the Maker has graced me with the most intelligent, the most understanding, and let’s face it, the most gorgeous partner that anyone could possibly have, and it’s helped so much. When I can’t think I can go on any farther, she reaches out and drags me along. When Justice’s whispers are incessant and threaten to drown out my own thoughts and take over when I don’t wish them to, it’s Marian’s voice and her touch that keep me grounded.

Do you know, she gave me a key so that if I ever need to quickly escape to or from Darktown, I am able to? An odd gift, perhaps, but for two apostates it meant a great deal.

…Future Anders, am I still this much of a sap? Andraste’s flaming knickers. I’m not even drunk.


	26. Chapter 26

No. I’ve been waffling on this for too long. Justice and I have to go forward with the plan. I’ve been hoping that something would show up at the last minute, some saving grace, some last minute better idea, but no. I have every reason to believe that Meredith has either already called for the Rite of Annulment, or will be doing so any day now. She will not see reason. There has to be a war or every last mage in the Gallows will die.

There has to be a war, and there has to be a sign for all to see. And if that makes me a monster, then so be it.

Marian can’t know. If she knows she’ll try to talk me out of it, or worse, offer to help. I can’t let her do either of those things. I can’t bring this down on her head. No, Marian can’t know. It might break her heart, but at least she won’t be dead.

Forgive me, Marian.


	27. Chapter 27

I lied to Marian, because I need her help.

I lied and she knew it. Because of course she did.

And yet she’s going to help me anyway. She told me she trusts me. And in return, I’m going to break her heart. I am certainly a model citizen, aren’t I?

I wanted to tell her the truth. I know she believes in our cause, but… I can’t have it coming back at her. I swear it won’t.

Justice and I still have a lot of work left to do. Hopefully we can get it all done before things go to shit. The more I think about it, the more I’m sure I’m not going to live to survive this. But if we’re lucky, I won’t be throwing my life away in vain.

I hope I am lucky.


	28. Chapter 28

[this entry is written in a shaky hand]

Time is ticking. It’s ticking but we’re ready. We did what needs to be done. I think Marian knows what I’m up to, to some extent at least. Maker, but she’s so much more intelligent than I am.

Will she understand? Should I even ask her to understand? No. She can judge my actions on her own when it’s all over.

There are holes in my memory. I don’t know when I last ate. Yesterday? Justice is… Justice is loud, he’s insistent, he’s loud. I don’t know… I don’t know what I’m writing [the rest of the entry is illegible]


	29. Chapter 29

Does Marian know how much I love her? She creeps into my thoughts sometimes, when she shouldn’t. And Justice tugs me back, tells me I’m not quite done yet, but she’s there, behind corners, waiting, waiting.

~~I fear~~

I keep telling her that I love her, but does she know? Do I invade her waking thoughts too? No matter what happens, I need her to know how I feel about her. We might not make it out of this alive. I have nothing to give her but myself, and there is so little of me left, I feel so stretched thin and I worry [the entry trails off here, unfinished]


	30. Chapter 30

[the handwriting in this entry is shaky and difficult to read]

~~There’s~~

If there is not

It’s coming, it’s going to happen, there is no backing out now, there is no backing down, there is

~~There is no~~

There is no more time and

There are templars everywhere and I can feel, Justice can feel the cries of pain and it’s

Bad

Can’t stop now. There is still more work to do.


	31. Chapter 31

[this following segment is written in an entirely different handwriting than all the previous entries.]

Andraste suffered at the hands of Tevinter magisters. Thus, she feared the influence of magic. But if the Maker blamed magic for the magisters' actions in the Black City, why would He still gift us with it? The oppression of mages stems from the fears of men, not the will of the Maker. Therefore,

Whereas magic was gifted to us by the Maker

Whereas magic benefits us all

Whereas magic can heal and help the wounded

Whereas magic is to serve man

We as mages have the right to wield magic without the fear of abuse at the hands of templars or the Chantry

We as mages have the right to a free life just like every other man, woman, and child in Thedas

[the handwriting here returns to normal]

…I don’t remember writing this. But here is an excerpt from my manifesto, I suppose. Thanks, Justice.

I heard a strange noise just now. I will come back to finish this entry.

[this is the end of the entry]


	32. Chapter 32

I feel oddly at peace, for once. Even Justice is quiet.

I… don’t think I am going to live past tomorrow. It’s just a feeling I get. Marian received a letter from the First Enchanter, and suffice to say that things are going to end in violence when we meet with him and the Knight-Commander tomorrow.

I’ve planned for this, for months. I’m still not happy about it, but I’ve made peace with myself. If my death is going to bring about what Thedas needs to see, then I will gladly give up my life for that.

I wish Marian didn’t have to be left alone. But she is strong, so much stronger than I am. She’ll be fine.

Future Anders, huh? Is that what I’ve been calling the hypothetical reader? Clever.

I think… I’ve arrived at my future. This is as far ahead as I’m going to get, anyway. I suppose that makes me Future Anders.

Dear Past Anders, cherish her while you still can.


	33. Chapter 33

It’s happening today. This is going to be the final entry in this diary. War is coming. I sincerely doubt I’ll be back. I’ll be dead, or perhaps if I’m lucky, in hiding somewhere.

Let this be a part of my manifesto, then. Let it be known that I did not want it to come to this, but it had to be done. Had I done nothing, every mage in Kirkwall’s Circle would have been slaughtered in their beds. At least I will have given them a fighting chance.

That the world is so unjust that it had to come to this in the first place… I… I can do nothing but hope that no one in any future generations will ever have to make a choice such as this.

 

Farewell.


	34. Chapter 34

Well.

I didn’t expect to be writing in this again, to say the least.

I don’t have much time right now. Things went about as expected. There was a battle. There was death. Some of it is on my hands, a fact which I can come to terms with when I’m not desperately shoving all my belongings into a bag.

Including this journal, so I’ll wrap this up now.


	35. Chapter 35

It’s been a few days and I actually have time to sit down and breathe. And write.

I destroyed Kirkwall’s chantry. There. I’ve taken responsibility for it verbally and I’ll take responsibility for it in writing, too. I regret that some innocent lives were no doubt lost in the process. I regret that some of the mages in the ensuing war became abominations and were killed. But I do not regret my decision. In the long run, many more lives would have been lost had I not done it.

I will admit. I was fully expecting to die to pay for what I did. It would at least have brought justice to those innocents who did die at my hand. But… Marian spared me. She had me fight by her side for our cause, and she took me up on my offer to join me on the run. She kicked down every one of my expectations, and really, thinking about it, I should not be surprised.

That’s where we are now. On the run. Specifically, we’re on a boat that Isabela somehow “acquired.” I’m not going to ask how. I’m not sure where she’s taking us. She said she’s not going to tell us yet, just in case something happens.

Justice is calm. I don’t know how long he’s going to stay that way. Marian is… she is far too good to me, as always, making sure I’m eating and feeling alright no matter how much of a wreck I am.

I think… I think everything is going to be okay.


	36. Chapter 36

This is apparently the last page in this journal, so I put off writing in it until I knew what I wanted to say, since who knows when I’ll next be able to find another blank journal to write in.

It’s been a few weeks. We’re in a forest, somewhere. I’m not going to say where, in case I should lose this book and it ends up in the hands of those who would do harm to Marian or myself.

There is a lot of work left to do for the cause of mage freedom. There are other Circles that need to rise up. They might need our help.

But… that is the important thing. Our help. Not mine, ours. Because I’m not alone. And I’m finally, really starting to believe that. I will have Justice, and I will have Marian. And frankly, that’s all I need.

So, Future Anders. Since you’re still out there. I’d like to think that where you are, the mages are free, and there are no more templars, and you’ve got a shiny wedding ring on your finger and you’ve got a cottage somewhere and at least three cats.

I’ll see you there.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on tumblr - http://pikestaff.tumblr.com


End file.
